There's no real flow to this so far this I can hear and your delivery needs work; it sounds like you're running out of breath really quick because the last words trail off on almost every bar. But my real problem with it is the lack of flow; you're just reading the lyrics out angrily but there's no rhythmn to it or anything.
I'd say give it another go but write along to the instrumental this time so that your lyrics fit the beat properly.
Keep at it man.